This morning while Andy was around to watch little miss Evie I went out for a meditation in the back studio. I lay there and gazed out the window into the garden, extraordinarily grateful I got to spend the day mothering my gorgeous now 9-month-old baby in my gorgeous house with all my needs fulfilled. I was so grateful it ached. I chose a page from Doreen Virtues Daily Guidance from your Angels to inspire me. My guidance: ‘Visualise your day being a success.’
‘Hmmm’ I thought, ‘What can I do today to be successful?’ Days spent mothering babies leave little room for what is traditionally considered ’success.’ I thought perhaps I could clean a lot, tick off some to-dos, I could connect with the Divine Feminine and the Earth.
Once back inside after breakfast it was a different story. Evie’s become a fabulous tiny crawler and is into everything, typically finding the dirtiest most dangerous thing in the room to play with and sucking on it. She bites me when I pull her away. She pulls my hair and laughs when I say no.
I stand up after prying her away from an electrical socket and hit my head on a hanging plant. “Visualise success” I told myself.
She likes to sleep suck and be held. I feed her to sleep, I’ve always done this and it’s worked fine but in the last few days once placed in her cot she arches her back, wakes herself up completely and kicks and cries to be picked up and reattached to my breast.
It’s hard not to let my spirit dampen, as I need space and time to get my own stuff done, and she needs a good and proper sleep.
Nappy changes are a challenge with a vivacious baby fascinated and excited by the world around her. She can’t stay still while I lovingly change her very dirty nappy, she wants to turn over and dive headfirst off the change-table instead, smearing poo as she goes. It takes a long time to do anything, much longer then I could have imagined when I was a non-parent. There were no to-do’s being ticked off today.
The thing is, it’s not about me anymore. It’s not my agenda I need to be concerned with. It’s hers. So while I make sure we all eat and our environment is clean, it’s her learning and her wonder at the world that I need to connect with. Not just for her well being, but for my own sanity.
Evie is completely and utterly in the moment. What she feels is expressed then and there; her mind is occupied by what’s in front of her. She’s fascinated by the smallest details and delighted by the simplest things. It’s adorable and special and so so precious.
When I follow her lead and engage with what she’s engaging in she laps it all up. Not only do we share giggles, but moments of mutual connection, appreciation and pure love. I can see this connection is what she craves, I feel like I’m giving her what she needs. And in these moments, I’m a good mother.
So I’m going to try and remember this, to just slow down to her level. To be in the moment as much as possible, forget about whatever it is that I wanted to do, and just enjoy. I’ll even try to enjoy the prolonged boob sucks at 3am. Because if I can give her what she needs I believe she’ll grow to reach her potential. And that’s why we have children in the first place.
I guess today was a success after all.